Rating: 1
The only good thing I can write about «Aquaman» is that it ends. (Which is true in more than one way; the final 10 minutes of the movie were almost enjoyable).
But since this appalling piece of crab (yes, I just wrote that) presented itself as such an offending incoherent mess, I really don’t feel like making an effort here, either. So let’s just open the floodgates, shall we:
- Can we let the DC Extended Universe die now, please? At this point it’s just intolerable cruelty.
- This movie has the pacing and elegance of a very bad «Family Guy» episode.
- «Uncanny Valley – The Movie»
- You know you’re in trouble when Patrick Wilson steals the movie. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Patrick Wilson).
- On the bright side, «The Shape of Water» is no longer my most hated water-related film of late.
- Poor Jason Momoa wasn’t given anything to work with whatsoever.
- You know you’re in trouble when I think Jason Momoa was underused. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Jason Momoa).
- This movie feels longer than Willem Dafoe’s dong. And it’s almost as painful to watch as its scene in Lars von Trier’s «Antichrist».
- Like watching eight awful movies in parallel – while sitting on a trident, and not the comfortable way.
- You had to cram «Black Manta» into this, did you? BTW, have you even seen «Black Panther»?
- You know you’re in trouble when Dolph Lundgren’s hair becomes the most fascinating thing in the scene.
- Sicily, reaally? You don’t say?!
- Harry Gregson-Williams has a brother?!
- Directed by James Wan does this garbage end?
- Amber please stop, it Heards!
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by children in the winter. It’s called «Snowman».
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by dogs in the winter. It’s called «yellow snow».
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by my anus in the winter. It’s called «shit».
- Aw, just Faqu,man!